Safashiongirl: life

A Modern Romance Between Millennials

He grabs my hip bone while we kiss. His tattooed shoulder is close against my face and the eyes of a skull are staring at me. It's framed with crimson flowers; a softening juxtaposition. For a second, the ink melts together until it's just a mess of red and black. Before this, the shoulder had black pyramids and red flames. Before that, the shoulder had black bird silhouettes against the red stripes of a rising sun. Black and red shoulder tattoos are some sort of prerequisite for dating me. I guess I'm pretty specific.

I never even notice them at first. They're usually covered up by a plaid shirt or winter jacket. I only spotted the first one because he dressed like a 1950's greaser with slicked-back hair and white sleeves pressed up high. Dreamy. A regular Cry-Baby with one jet black strand out of place above his furrowed brow. Blue eyes. He could be some kind of anime protagonist come to life with his big blue eyes. Maybe he looks more like Jake Gyllenhaal with charming dimples and perfect teeth. Maybe he looks just like G-Eazy, towering above everyone else. We talk all night and wander along a moonlit beach, running away from the cold water. We stare at each other awkwardly at a house party. We share an electric kiss on a rooftop overlooking the city.

On our first date, he takes me to La Vie, I dress up in a faux fur jacket and put on a fake septum ring. He takes me to Mr Pickwicks in Long Street, I sport a grey tank top and a snow-white fringe. He takes me to see Suicide Squad, I wear a Daddy's Lil Monster tee and sexy stockings. We figure out that our paths have crossed before because we know each other's friends. Chris introduced us. We already know that we both know Jamy because it was his house party. I'm surprised he works with Robin, oh, Chris and Jamy too? Full circle.

We have conversations about everything. We laugh at inside jokes. We can't get enough of each other. He becomes my muse. I feel like a muse. I feel like Edie rambling around Andy's Factory. I'm inhaling on cigarettes and tripping over soup cans. My eyes are painted black and I laugh as my long earrings routinely cause trouble by getting themselves caught in clothing. A silver crucifix is stuck in his sweater. If you turn it upside down, it matches the tattoo on his chest. Scratch that, it's tossed onto my night-stand.

We analyse books. We discuss movies. We recommend comedians. We dissect lyrics. We dance with abandon. He photographs me. We try weird food. He writes poetry about me. We passionately sing along to old songs. I paint all over his graffiti-covered walls. I draw him. I film him. Camera girl, swing the focus. A clip of him jumping off of a balcony. A clip of him putting make up on me. A clip of us kissing. There's so much music. My heart heals when he's touching me to familiar tracks. We make art. We make promises. We make love.

One day, he takes me to see the flamingos because he knows I love them. He sets up a scavenger hunt for me to find a book he bought me. We build a fort with fairy lights and watch a Japanese horror movie. There's a full moon the night he tells me he's in love with me. We're sitting on the edge of the bed when he pulls me to a stand and says he's never felt like this before. He pushes his forehead up against mine in his apartment, saying he thought someone like me would never exist. We are intoxicated with butterflies, tangled in one another, enraptured by each other...until we're not.

To them, I must melt into the other girls too. Another blonde. Another set of big eyes. Another foreign accent. For a moment though, it feels unique and it feels like anything is possible. For a moment, I see them and they see me. For a moment, everything is exactly as it should be. I close my eyes and hold him tight.

blogging

A New Era

Hey! So I sort of disappeared for a while. Last year, I did freelance writing for a few clients but I left my blog alone for a bit because I needed to re-group and spend some quality time with my loved ones. It was interesting seeing blogger, Essena O'Neill have her epiphanies in the midst of my decision to go dark because, while I think she went overboard and had some problems seperating her identity from who she was online, I did understand that she was in pain and that her life had stopped making sense to her. Mine had stopped making sense to me too.

I would never demonize social media or blogging as some sort of dishonest, soul-crushing thing because everything in life is what you choose to make it. I was disillusioned with my entire life between 2014 and 2015, and while it had little to do with the internet, I wasn't going to use the internet to pretend that things were awesome, so I decided to hit the proverbial reset button.

How do you hit the reset button on your life? You subtract everything that you possibly can. I stopped working. I stopped playing. I stopped going to events. I stopped socialising. I became an agoraphobe for a hot second. I ignored the internet. My intense unhappiness meant that the stakes were too high to give a shit over whose email I was missing or whose party I wasn't going to, and you know what? That was a beautiful and liberating thing.

I don't think it's just one aspect of modern life that is making everyone more stressed and anxious these days. I think it's a combination of them because there are pros and cons to almost everything. Even if you throw your phone in the ocean, delete everything and relinquish wi-fi, shit still happens. When I was in a place that felt too hectic, I found a lot of peace in shutting everything down, both online and in real life.

I stopped talking (and writing) about changing my life and actually started taking steps to change it. It took a long time and I'm excited to write about that whole journey but the conclusion of it was that once my life looked less like a mess and more like a fresh template, I began to add in only the things that my heart wanted. Now I'm at a point where I feel so much better. I'm excited about my life again and I know what I need to focus on in order to stay excited about it.

If something stops being fun, stop doing it. If a relationship doesn't make you happy anymore, bow out of it. If you hate your job, find another one. If someone's social media feed makes you feel shitty, unfollow. If the latest trending topic upsets you, stop reading about it. I know that some things are easier to do than others but the more time that you invest where you shouldn't, the worse you will feel. Don't worry about disappointing others when you should first be worried about whether you're disappointing yourself. Don't fight against your heart, be kind to it when it tells you what it wants. You can always take a break from something instead of denouncing it altogether because that can help steer you in the right direction too. Change isn't instant but it is so rewarding.

I've madeover my blog with a new theme and I'm going to post about whatever I want. I've always had trouble writing an 'About' section and I think I know why, I needed to figure myself out more. I'm not the same girl who started this blog and I'm ecstatic about that. I know it sounds silly but writing that section made me feel so me and I think that taking time off not only helped me get to know myself, it helped me start writing in a way that feels effortless again. Evolving is fun as hell so I'm excited to see what happens. Here's to a new era!

change

Finding out I have depression

A few months ago, I wrote about suffering from what I could only identify as a breakdown. I sought help and was subsequently diagnosed with chronic depression. When I heard those words, I wanted to protest to my doctor, "..but, but I have a really bouncy personality, I love to make people laugh, my capacity for enthusiasm is downright Deschanel!". I just couldn't fathom that I could suffer from depression. There's this constant idea that whatever one experiences isn't bad enough, good enough, 'special' enough or whatever enough to belong to a club, no matter how shitty the title of that club is.

I don't know why we feel that way, why we dismiss our pain when we could find healing if we allowed ourselves to accept things. I beat myself up for a very long time for not being able to handle my life. I thought I was making excuses because of how easy things used to be. I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten so low or become so numb. I remember saying, "The most amazing thing in the world could happen right now and it just wouldn't move me, it wouldn't touch me whatsoever". It was such a sad thing to admit. I didn't recognize myself. I was so used to being energetic and excited because that's how I was before.

My life completely changed after my aunt passed away. She held our little family together. She was my other mother and I related to her in a way that I've never related to anyone else. I felt like I was expected to bounce back quicker so that's what I tried to do. I brushed away grief because I looked at her daughters and knew that their pain had to be ten times worse than mine. I felt selfish for feeling so torn up and having her death affect me so deeply, for so long. If other people couldn't understand that I still felt broken, surely it had to be wrong. I would imagine that I was 'back to normal' but in reality, I've just been fighting to get there, thinking that one day I would. I just wanted to be more resilient because I know that my aunt would tell me to live my life to the fullest.

I think about mortality in a way that both motivates and destroys me. I'm constantly trying to find happiness in a rushed, clumsy way while I'm also perpetually terrified of who I'll lose next and how it will kill whatever life I have left in me. I feel helpless and imprisoned while I perceive that everyone else is walking around freely, each of them being some version of the shiny, happy person I used to be. I so desperately just want to join them.

I know though, that this is a great illusion; a mirage that has been dismantled by the many supportive and compassionate people who've shared their own experiences with me when I wrote about how I was struggling. It seems like we only give ourselves permission to feel like we're not alone after someone else tell us how it is. This is one of the reasons why I believe that conversations need to keep happening because a good day or a good week doesn't change things and a lot of the time, we'll go right back to our flawed thinking.

I need to stop thinking about where I'm not and start thinking about where I am. I need to try to find the good in what's going on with me and realise that in a weird way, it might have put me on the right track. Perhaps depression did not rob me of my 'normalcy', perhaps I found myself lost within it because I stubbornly clung to an old M.O. that just didn't cut it anymore. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I don't want to go backwards, I want something different than what I had before everything fell apart. Depression has taught me that I don't want to merely survive, I want to thrive. I will never again be 'normal', no, I will be better.

It's a long road to stability and I'm not going to rush myself. Slowing down has helped me notice that there are a lot of people walking with me and a feeling has finally found me after so long, a feeling that we'll find our way.

Keep strong xx

being productive

Getting your priorities straight

am i being too nice

Is being too nice messing with your life?

Hey, would you like to spend your life being inconvenienced? Any takers? You might be answering yes to this question a lot more than you think. Let me just clear up what I consider being "nice". Being nice is not the same thing as being kind or thoughtful. To me, being nice is a the absence of honouring one's feelings and desires. I think of it as the slippery slope towards being a pushover and being way too passive which can get you abused, taken advantage of, underestimated and disrespected.

Women are generally brought up to be nice even when they shouldn't be so anything "not nice" is bitch territory. This scale barely leaves any room for someone to function between the two. I'd like to say society has changed but it hasn't. I read an article comparing and contrasting different gender approaches to submitting work. The guys went in guns blazing and the women basically apologized for existing. Being nice isn't unique to your personal life alone, it will trickle into your professional life and can cause people to subconsciously find you weak, oblivious and easy to exploit. You'll get fewer opportunities and will be rewarded less, if at all.

I spent my life being nice. It starts out pretty chill, you agree to do something that sounds lame or you let your friend go ahead of you. No problem, that's totally normal and I was always happy to compromise. Unfortunately, if you're like me, it starts to snowball into something exhausting because you don't keep tabs on these harmless habits. I fooled myself into thinking that everyone else was also game to compromise so I didn't keep track of how often I wasn't doing things on my terms. I somehow allowed my life to morph into a joke of apologizing about everything, giving things away to people because they wanted them, being stuck with tasks I didn't have time for, paying whenever someone skimped on a bill, letting people take credit for my work or staying quiet when someone insulted me because "maybe they had a bad day" - that's only the tip of the ice berg. I slowly began to resent the little things I'd usually have no problem saying "yes" to. Being too nice got me passed over, written off, deemed a dimwit and having a girl I'd just met rip my purse out of my hands to fish for R20 because my "no" wasn't convincing enough. Fun times. What a nice girl I was living the good life!

Now I know some people are just difficult and changing my approach won't stop them but I, like many girls I know, gave too much and put myself in those kinds of situations. We all know giving isn't about keeping score, it's about being selfless, not feeling owed. I really think though, that we need to modify the idea of who to give to. We need to give to the right people because when we let everyone have their way and give nothing to ourselves, we're left with nada or something we don't want and eventually we won't be very helpful to anyone. Overextending yourself means you won't have it in you to give anymore because you realize that in the midst of being so accommodating, your priorities have fallen by the wayside and you've become burnt out. The habit of being agreeable is intensely difficult to break because everyone is used to the way things were and they don't respond very well to the new change in your behaviour. People will continue to make requests which may make you feel frustrated to accept or guilty to deny. This cycle will easily continue: feel guilty, give, feel frustrated, say no next time, feel guilty. Sometimes after a particularly unpleasant experience there's a bonus step in there called 'lash out and overreact'.

I'm happy to say I'm not letting niceness interfere with my life anymore. Now, I'm not advocating becoming selfish or playing the victim. I just want people who feel that they're too nice to be kinder to themselves and get what they want more of the time. My next personal post is a continuation on this topic and includes tips on how to stop being too nice and start embracing your inner Sasha Fierce instead. If you're interested, do check it out next week. Till then, x

100 happy days

February snapshots

I thought I'd share some images from this month which featured an insane sunset, grabbing a bite to eat from a food truck and checking out the Björn Borg underwear that's just hit our shores. I've also included an old photo that fell by the wayside during the chaos of summer because I just LOVE those clear boots on Zakirah and had to share 'em. So this month I've been writing like a madwoman, going to events, hanging out with friends and taking some time to actively relax. The days have been long and scorching in this Cape Town heatwave and while the heat is a great excuse to browse cute summer clothes online, (obsessed with this half-denim, half-chiffon blouse from Simons) I've found myself struggling to just take a minute to switch off and really recharge. Do you ever find yourself catching up with friends and while you begin to run through what you've been up to, you also draw a bit of a blank?

Somehow, the year still passes quickly and while you're busy working, its seems like you forget to live a little. Life can sometimes feel like a constant to-do list, always thinking about the next task, not remembering the beautiful little moments that colour our days. I've heard about the #100HappyDays project and I've taken similar inspiration from my cousin Jaime, who shares a photo each day on her Pinterest, and decided to document every day with a photo. I'm not the best at this (I've found myself about a month behind sorting through the images on my phone) but when I get back on track, it really puts things in perspective. I no longer struggle to piece together my months when I can look back and see exactly what I was up to. It makes me feel happy and a little more 'together' because I don't lose track of where the month goes and I can see that, wow, we actually do fit a lot of living into a small amount of time even though we don't always take stock of it.

Do you document your days with snaps? My cousin wants to put together little books of her yearly photos and I think it's a great idea.

difficulties

Living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

So how do I even begin to talk about this? When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now, I know OCD has become a bit of a buzz word and is frequently used to describe something it's not. I don't think that people really grasp what it entails or might assume that it's one thing when it's another. OCD has been idealized in a way that seems quirky or normal (cue Type-A characters on tv rearranging pillows or something) but in actuality it's a really distressing illness. Not all sufferers have an obsession with cleanliness but this is a widely-used example that's easy to grasp because the compulsions of perpetual hand washing/cleaning tie in. In many cases, compulsions can be vague and indirectly related. One of the worst parts of OCD is that sufferers are aware of their irrational thinking. It's like being in a prison in one's mind and looking at the key but never being able to reach it. This frustrates a lot of people on the outside because they assume that if a sufferer is aware of what's going on then they should be able to control it.

It's very difficult for me to share this because I still don't feel comfortable talking about it and find it a bit triggering. I gather it comes off as very paranoid and superstitious. Also, I'm not a very organized person, that's a misconception about sufferers. I'm actually very disorganized because I'm so busy with compulsions. I've found that there is stigma attached to mental illness or it's not taken very seriously and is dismissed pretty quickly. I don't know what it is about mental health that makes people think "Those kinds of issues don't really affect me or people I know. It doesn't happen to friends or family who seem highly functioning. Perhaps they're over-reacting or self-diagnosing." It's like you have to walk around in a straitjacket or something but I digress...I thought it would be good to finally write about this as I've been toying with the idea for a while.

When I was a kid, I didn't know what the deal was, I just used to jump up or down stairs and count things or walk on certain stones. I'd touch railings or cars and all I knew was that I had to in case something bad happened if I didn't. I would also notice things that other people found hard to see like specks of dirt, something on my food or a glass that wasn't clean enough. When I became a teenager, it had changed a bit and my OCD began interfering heavily with my life so I soon discovered what was going on. I still worried about heinous things happening and my compulsions evolved to touching wood, saying or thinking 4 different phrases, flicking light switches, re-examining something several times or washing my hands repeatedly. Soon I couldn't get to sleep on time because I was busy with my routines and to this day, I still spend the most time completing my nighttime routines. While these surface actions might sound innocent, let me expand on what OCD actually does to a sufferer.

The obsession is about intrusive thoughts. Maybe you stumble upon a thought of something heartbreaking like a car accident. Instead of doing what most people do and dismissing it, the obsessive will be stuck on this thought like a broken record. Perhaps they'll start to think, "I really don't want that to ever happen. Am I tempting fate by focusing on this? I need to find a way to let this thought go and to get rid of the possibility of that becoming a reality". That's where compulsions come in which provide temporary relief from anxiety. All OCD sufferers have different issues. Some worry that something might have occurred when in reality, it didn't. Checkers might worry that they never locked their door or turned off their oven - this is where normalcy can be seen to intersect with the disorder. A lot of people can relate to thinking that maybe they forgot to do something and this will result in a negative outcome. Imagine feeling like that a lot of the time, irrationally. Checkers will keep checking even when they've checked before and know the answer because they just don't feel 'right' about it.

For me, the obsessions can range from horrifying fears to doubting things. Sometimes there's nothing specific but I'll feel uneasy if I don't do something. As I've said, the compulsion is the ritual or act one engages in to make the thoughts go away but not everyone's compulsion can actively banish their fears because they're usually abstract and completely imagined so we'll invent our own rituals to relieve our worry. This is where 'magical thinking' comes in. We understand that we're being irrational but we find it almost impossible to fight against our urges so just in case, and to be sure, we have to make things 'right'. I do a lot of checks and repetitions and it mostly goes unnoticed. Sometimes I read things again and again, get into bed a few times because it's not 'right', put things down 'perfectly', tap things, think about positive outcomes, walk within tiles, repeat actions a certain number of times (4 or 16, specifically), check the door, check that my phone hasn't been taken, get dressed multiple times or rearrange my bag. If anyone has ever found me to be late or find that I take a long time doing things...yep. There's only a handful of people who have ever noticed my compulsions and if they did, they weren't sure of what I was doing or they thought I was perhaps not paying attention.

Brain scans on those with OCD show different activity than in those without the disorder but this doesn't make sufferers crazy. Most sufferers were found to be highly creative with above-average intelligence. Living with this disorder has been difficult because intrusive thoughts are relentlessly terrifying and compulsions take up a lot of time. I've tried to manage without ever taking meds or trying cognitive behavioral therapy. I'd like to go back to plain ole therapy again when I can afford it and I'm definitely open to exposure therapy. I find my disorder gets worse when I'm tired, depressed or stressed. It's awful living day-to-day like this because I know that I can have a fuller life without it. OCD hurts sufferers and at times, the people closest to them but with patience, understanding and compassion, it can be helped. It's unfortunately something that I feel will always be a part of me because I'm not sure I'll ever beat it but I hope I shed some light on this or made someone feel less alone. Here's to living the best life we can. x

accessorize

Good vibes

addiction

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead

Shakespeare's Hamlet famously refers to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as "my two schoolfellows, whom I will trust as I will adders fang’d" - nice diss Hammy, joh! I'm sure you've stumbled across a Rosencrantz or two. He and Guildenstern are the foolish pawns in King Claudius' game against Hamlet. They kiss the prince's ass but are actually spies and almost take him to his death before Hamlet wises up and leaves them to deal with pirates. Not that Hamlet is super amazing though, he's kind of a self-centered douche who calls Ophelia (and all women) a bitch and then accidentally kills her father. Oops. But that doesn't mean R and G are any less annoying, they're like the poster boys for toxicity.

I see R and G as the faces of mankind's idle destruction. In the case of actual beings, they can be acquaintances or strangers who are against you, be it in an intentional or indirect manner. Your Guildensterns could be naysayers, curious lurkers or people that seem supportive but don't really have your back when it comes down to it. Now, I don't have a chip on my shoulder about life or humankind like Hamlet; I'm a people person and I don't have a case of the "world-owes-me-s" but I do think that this is a topic that some might be familiar with because first of all, we rarely take stock of our surroundings and second of all, it's sometimes hard to identify what is a constructive force in one's life and what isn't.

It's important to point out that our Rosencrantz and Guildenstern aren't always people, they can be other issues that are entirely concocted by ourselves; they could be situations, addictions or habits that are sneakily toying with our lives. We can be our own worst enemy. I just wanted to send a message to anyone who needs it because I know that sometimes I need to read things or watch a movie or hear a phrase for something to click. I want whoever is reading this to know that you have it in you to change your life at any point. Take the time to turn off auto-pilot and analyze what's holding you back. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don't always have to keep trying to beat a situation, you don't have to accept strange behaviour and you don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and you will be kind to others. To thine own self be true! - and thanks to Cher Horowitz we know that "Hamlet didn't say that, that Polonius guy did." What a total Betty.

Have you kicked your R and G to the curb? Have you ever made over your life?

conspiracy

Dance till you die

analyzing

And in one little moment, it all implodes

addiction

Fallin all over myself to lick your heart and taste your health

bitches must know

Scar tissue

book

Dear friend,

Today I read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and I couldn't put it down. It's easy to identify with the main character's observations because everyone has felt how the protagonist felt at some time. For me, the way he spoke about connections and nostalgia struck a chord. I thought about how we all chase one of those thrilling moments where you just feel so alive. It feels like the world has stopped and you are supposed to be right there; surrendering to your hysterical laughter or being pulled into a run or being surprised by an electric kiss that came out of nowhere. It's always those shared moments in this short life that feel like some sort of magic. We all magnify and reflect back everything that ever happens to one another. Those split seconds of being infinite exist everywhere, like that time when you and your friend both turned to look at each other and you could see your own thoughts on their faces, or that time when everyone held their breath as someone jumped into the water from a dizzying height.

This is one of the anomalies of life because the very thing that makes these moments special are their sudden appearance and disappearance. It's not supposed to be analyzed but that seems like the only way one can stretch a memory. It's strange to think that we've shared amazing moments with complete strangers whose names and stories we will never know and one day, even the people who weren't strangers become unfamiliar and locked away in a photograph. I always wonder if those times are looked back upon the same way that I look back upon them so I try to be as honest as I can with the people I know right now.

I just want them to know that I appreciate them in a simple human way but at the same time I've grown up feeling that if anything makes me think of someone, I must keep it to myself because they might find it creepy and think that I want to bake them cakes. Really, it would be nothing but a passing thought and I never wanted to bake anything, I just wanted to let someone know that I see them in other things. But it's not that simple, we complicate everything and we think that the truth always has to come with responsibility or motive. I want nothing in return. I just mean to be honest because some day when someone looks back at a photograph, I don't want them to wonder, I want them to know, without a doubt, that it was indeed that way, just for a moment.

This whole thing is very abstract...I just want to be able to look back and know that I really felt, I felt and experienced and shared and appreciated every single gesture. So it may be silly to put any emphasis on fleeting moments or old friendships but I don't want to let another person pass by without knowing that I am grateful for them, in my own small way, because one random Tuesday we laughed with each other and I felt present.

growing up

You will make it but only if you run

Life, people, connections, friendships, family. Between the heartache and joys, the friends and the assholes. The people who have changed so much and left ugly footprints on their way out. The people who you have yet to meet, conversations you have yet to have. The stranger who walks up to you when you're so lost that you can't even see straight, and they whisper the most truth they've ever told anyone and ever will. No one even saw them but they have saved you. Why then? Why now? What are these coincidences? The synchronicity that seems magical. The brief blinks shared in a stare. Who is everyone around us? What struggles and excitement surround them? What does it all mean? Did your small gesture help in ways you could never anticipate or did your words break like waves upon a melted heart, lost in the choppy waters of disappointment? The people who talk about being there, the people who actually are, the people who show up when the car breaks down, the people who leave at the sight of rain. The faces that greet you in hospital before you remember that you were on that side of the IV once, in another time, in another place with people who aren't here anymore.

The smiles, the laughter, that time you tripped and felt nothing because you were so happy and nothing could touch you. That other time when the smallest move made you scream in agony and pull your hair. The people who constantly top up your glass. The ghosts who can't even see you no matter how may times you slowly wave your hand. The mistakes that you made because you believed in a kaleidescopic night sky so you talked about the world in a hammock until the sun came up. The people you trusted who constantly revisit their persistent urges to leave you letters later to say, "I'm not a horrible person". The people who change their minds and don't know who they are. You're one of them and you hurt and confuse as much as they do but you'll never have any idea. Who has felt adrenaline from one of your glances? Who have you run away from? What do your footprints looks like? What puzzle pieces did they invent to complete the equation? The people who trusted you and assume that they meant nothing to you. Those who fell in love with you for the wrong reasons. Those who loved you for the right ones. The people who wanted to be you. The people who hated the sight of you. The times you were a pushover, the wrong time you finally decided not to be. The people who think they're so much better than everyone when they were once so kind. The facades that drop or the walls that go up. And it makes no sense now and it makes no sense ever because the people who seem so good end up being bad and the ones you think you need to stay away from don't deserve your doubt. Why do you ignore your gut and continue extending your hand towards an open flame? Why do you finally listen to your intuition and then torture yourself by wondering if you're making a mistake? Who has ever really lain awake beside you when you were sure the world had fallen out from under you? Has anyone been capable of carrying you up to bed? The intermission when someone walks into the bathroom while you are on the floor, the cold tiles hugging you like no other.

The faces and embraces in photos forever suspended in perpetual hopefulness. Bright, wide eyes and smiles that can't be stifled. A serotonin-streaked moment. The butterflies gather up high as you ascend on an amusement ride, lift your arms and close your eyes as your body rises with you in angular momentum towards the sky. And you chase this world, longing to stretch the miliseconds of sparks into hours, the minute of dopamine into a day, the stolen smirk into a week, the uncontrollable laughter into a month, the ultimate snapshot into a year. Who will you take with you and who will you leave behind? Connections snap back like broken elastic because you realize that you had the complete wrong idea and now you've gotten yourself into this mess of naivety. When you swim away because you will drown if you don't. When you dive in with wild abandon, waking the neighbours at 3am. Letting your breath out and sitting on the bottom of the pool beneath the noise and bright lights that love you so much. When you stroke the hair of a quiet patient, looking out at the sunny day so far away from here. When you want someone to stop the car. When you want to turn around. When you find yourself in crazy clothes eating a hotdog in the middle of nowhere. When you find yourself alone, looking up with tears in your eyes. When you laugh the day away in bed together while everyone outside is working. When that one moment finds you and you have to choose which way to go. When you can feel electric tension and you just know that they have to be feeling it too but you stand there, motionless, denying it before resuming normalcy. That instant when someone takes a chance or when you're so true to yourself that it feels like you need to get the hell out of there. When you just know that right now you're supposed to be waking up on this mattress on this floor, locked in these tattooed arms and maybe because it's the first of a new month, everything will start all over again. "Hi." "Hi."

90s platforms

Sticks and stones, pins and needles

Dress & waistcoat - YDE

Belt - mom's

Bag - The Lot

Platforms - vintage

Wow, what a couple of weeks. You might have noticed my absence from blogging. Where do I begin? Sadly, I had to put my dog down recently and have been encountering tons of bad news from friends and family too. It seems as if nothing is going right for anybody I know. I'm an optimist but during times like these, it gets tough. Life happens and there's no stopping or planning it! A few weeks ago I blogged about a recent bout of food poisoning but I believe I was mistaken.

In the early hours of the morning on 1 May, I woke up from unbearable pain in my upper abdomen. After hours of suffering through the night and being sick, I felt almost as if I couldn't breathe. I had sharp, tight pain in the entire right side of my torso expanding to my back. My chest ached, I didn't want to talk and I felt like I was about to collapse from pain. My family has a history of heart problems so my mother drove me to an emergency room. I can barely remember talking to the nurses and doctors but I do recall that they had trouble finding my veins since I was dehydrated so I was poked with needles on both of my arms until I began twitching as the fluid in the IV started to enter my bloodstream. Pretty much felt like I was Harry Goldfarb, the bruises afterwards wouldn't argue.

I slept a few hours and then went in for an ultrasound. As it turns out I had suffered a gallstone attack which has been said by some to be more painful than childbirth. Unfortunately I had a large gallstone in the neck of my gallbladder so they had to remove the entire organ. Apparently I was lucky to have the attack instead of having stones displaced into my main bile ducts. Men and women at every age face gallstone complications and end up in ICU and in emergency surgery. So this whole thing really sucked. The last thing I felt like was being poked with more needles and having to stay in the hospital overnight. After I was diagnosed with gallstones I realized that I have been having similar mild attacks (mistaken food poisoning) for a while and wrote it off. If you experience crippling pains in your right side as well as bloating and nausea, please get it checked out as soon as possible! Go for ultrasounds, one doctor told me they sometimes miss stones on X-rays. It turns out that my 17mm stone (bigger than a whisper/malteser sheesh!) has probably been growing in my gallbladder for about a decade. I have finally somewhat recovered from my operation, so far so good. If I didn't remove the organ, I would have only had more attacks or liver and pancreas problems so it's just one of those things you have to do.

One minute you're enjoying a lovely long weekend by a fireplace and the next you're in the emergency room! Life is too short so enjoy the hell out of it.

dreams

Fast forward

So, personal update! It turns out that I'm going to be doing a lot of traveling in 2012. I had planned a ton of other things when it comes to business but every time I sit down, I get a fantastic email or opportunity which puts everything on hold for a little longer. I finally decided after a mini-freakout that I need to stop fighting with myself! I have to let life happen and allow things occur at their natural pace. I have so much inspiration tucked away but designing and manufacturing is going to have to wait. The CMTs will always be there but being able to travel might not.

I'm going to Joburg later this month for a show at one of my favorite hotels, The Crowne Plaza, then I'll be going on a Mediterranean cruise in June which I'm really looking forward to. Lastly, there's been talk of Las Vegas and San Francisco near the end of the year. I'm going to just try and absorb every minute that I can when I'm traveling and work on everything else whenever I get a chance.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a career that had unpredictable working hours because I felt I worked better under pressure when things presented themselves. The reality is fantastic but difficult to get my head around completely. When you get something you've always wanted, it's almost too good to be true and it's hard to digest. I went from studying straight into a life I didn't even allow myself to fully dream off. As I grow up I find that when something happens organically, there's nothing better. But it's quick, blink and you'll miss it! I try to take the time to appreciate all the lovely things I've fallen into and throw myself into fully living in the now. I also feel extremely lucky to have so many amazing people in my life which unfortunately turns into not being able to see them all of the time! I believe in making time but I have to admit that whenever I have a minute I'm usually trying to just relax on my own with a book or series marathon. So if I have not seen you lovely friends, this is my public apology. I'm going to make an effort to be sure I get to enjoy your fabulous company. Some things, can certainly wait ;)

Speak soon fashion girls and guys.