He grabs my hip bone while we kiss. His tattooed shoulder is close against my face and the eyes of a skull are staring at me. It's framed with crimson flowers; a softening juxtaposition. For a second, the ink melts together until it's just a mess of red and black. Before this, the shoulder had black pyramids and red flames. Before that, the shoulder had black bird silhouettes against the red stripes of a rising sun. Black and red shoulder tattoos are some sort of prerequisite for dating me. I guess I'm pretty specific.
I never even notice them at first. They're usually covered up by a plaid shirt or winter jacket. I only spotted the first one because he dressed like a 1950's greaser with slicked-back hair and white sleeves pressed up high. Dreamy. A regular Cry-Baby with one jet black strand out of place above his furrowed brow. Blue eyes. He could be some kind of anime protagonist come to life with his big blue eyes. Maybe he looks more like Jake Gyllenhaal with charming dimples and perfect teeth. Maybe he looks just like G-Eazy, towering above everyone else. We talk all night and wander along a moonlit beach, running away from the cold water. We stare at each other awkwardly at a house party. We share an electric kiss on a rooftop overlooking the city.
On our first date, he takes me to La Vie, I dress up in a faux fur jacket and put on a fake septum ring. He takes me to Mr Pickwicks in Long Street, I sport a grey tank top and a snow-white fringe. He takes me to see Suicide Squad, I wear a Daddy's Lil Monster tee and sexy stockings. We figure out that our paths have crossed before because we know each other's friends. Chris introduced us. We already know that we both know Jamy because it was his house party. I'm surprised he works with Robin, oh, Chris and Jamy too? Full circle.

We have conversations about everything. We laugh at inside jokes. We can't get enough of each other. He becomes my muse. I feel like a muse. I feel like Edie rambling around Andy's Factory. I'm inhaling on cigarettes and tripping over soup cans. My eyes are painted black and I laugh as my long earrings routinely cause trouble by getting themselves caught in clothing. A silver crucifix is stuck in his sweater. If you turn it upside down, it matches the tattoo on his chest. Scratch that, it's tossed onto my night-stand.
We analyse books. We discuss movies. We recommend comedians. We dissect lyrics. We dance with abandon. He photographs me. We try weird food. He writes poetry about me. We passionately sing along to old songs. I paint all over his graffiti-covered walls. I draw him. I film him. Camera girl, swing the focus. A clip of him jumping off of a balcony. A clip of him putting make up on me. A clip of us kissing. There's so much music. My heart heals when he's touching me to familiar tracks. We make art. We make promises. We make love.
One day, he takes me to see the flamingos because he knows I love them. He sets up a scavenger hunt for me to find a book he bought me. We build a fort with fairy lights and watch a Japanese horror movie. There's a full moon the night he tells me he's in love with me. We're sitting on the edge of the bed when he pulls me to a stand and says he's never felt like this before. He pushes his forehead up against mine in his apartment, saying he thought someone like me would never exist. We are intoxicated with butterflies, tangled in one another, enraptured by each other...until we're not.
To them, I must melt into the other girls too. Another blonde. Another set of big eyes. Another foreign accent. For a moment though, it feels unique and it feels like anything is possible. For a moment, I see them and they see me. For a moment, everything is exactly as it should be. I close my eyes and hold him tight.

Hey! So I sort of disappeared for a while. Last year, I did freelance writing for a few clients but I left my blog alone for a bit because I needed to re-group and spend some quality time with my loved ones. It was interesting seeing blogger, Essena O'Neill have her epiphanies in the midst of my decision to go dark because, while I think she went overboard and had some problems seperating her identity from who she was online, I did understand that she was in pain and that her life had stopped making sense to her. Mine had stopped making sense to me too.

I would never demonize social media or blogging as some sort of dishonest, soul-crushing thing because everything in life is what you choose to make it. I was disillusioned with my entire life between 2014 and 2015, and while it had little to do with the internet, I wasn't going to use the internet to pretend that things were awesome, so I decided to hit the proverbial reset button. 

How do you hit the reset button on your life? You subtract everything that you possibly can. I stopped working. I stopped playing. I stopped going to events. I stopped socialising. I became an agoraphobe for a hot second. I ignored the internet. My intense unhappiness meant that the stakes were too high to give a shit over whose email I was missing or whose party I wasn't going to, and you know what? That was a beautiful and liberating thing.

I don't think it's just one aspect of modern life that is making everyone more stressed and anxious these days. I think it's a combination of them because there are pros and cons to almost everything. Even if you throw your phone in the ocean, delete everything and relinquish wi-fi, shit still happens. When I was in a place that felt too hectic, I found a lot of peace in shutting everything down, both online and in real life.

I stopped talking (and writing) about changing my life and actually started taking steps to change it. It took a long time and I'm excited to write about that whole journey but the conclusion of it was that once my life looked less like a mess and more like a fresh template, I began to add in only the things that my heart wanted. Now I'm at a point where I feel so much better. I'm excited about my life again and I know what I need to focus on in order to stay excited about it.

If something stops being fun, stop doing it. If a relationship doesn't make you happy anymore, bow out of it. If you hate your job, find another one. If someone's social media feed makes you feel shitty, unfollow. If the latest trending topic upsets you, stop reading about it. I know that some things are easier to do than others but the more time that you invest where you shouldn't, the worse you will feel. Don't worry about disappointing others when you should first be worried about whether you're disappointing yourself. Don't fight against your heart, be kind to it when it tells you what it wants. You can always take a break from something instead of denouncing it altogether because that can help steer you in the right direction too. Change isn't instant but it is so rewarding.

I've madeover my blog with a new theme and I'm going to post about whatever I want. I've always had trouble writing an 'About' section and I think I know why, I needed to figure myself out more. I'm not the same girl who started this blog and I'm ecstatic about that. I know it sounds silly but writing that section made me feel so me and I think that taking time off not only helped me get to know myself, it helped me start writing in a way that feels effortless again. Evolving is fun as hell so I'm excited to see what happens. Here's to a new era!

A few months ago, I wrote about suffering from what I could only identify as a breakdown. I sought help and was subsequently diagnosed with chronic depression. When I heard those words, I wanted to protest to my doctor, "..but, but I have a really bouncy personality, I love to make people laugh, my capacity for enthusiasm is downright Deschanel!". I just couldn't fathom that I could suffer from depression. There's this constant idea that whatever one experiences isn't bad enough, good enough, 'special' enough or whatever enough to belong to a club, no matter how shitty the title of that club is. 

I don't know why we feel that way, why we dismiss our pain when we could find healing if we allowed ourselves to accept things. I beat myself up for a very long time for not being able to handle my life. I thought I was making excuses because of how easy things used to be. I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten so low or become so numb. I remember saying, "The most amazing thing in the world could happen right now and it just wouldn't move me, it wouldn't touch me whatsoever". It was such a sad thing to admit. I didn't recognize myself. I was so used to being energetic and excited because that's how I was before. 

My life completely changed after my aunt passed away. She held our little family together. She was my other mother and I related to her in a way that I've never related to anyone else. I felt like I was expected to bounce back quicker so that's what I tried to do. I brushed away grief because I looked at her daughters and knew that their pain had to be ten times worse than mine. I felt selfish for feeling so torn up and having her death affect me so deeply, for so long. If other people couldn't understand that I still felt broken, surely it had to be wrong. I would imagine that I was 'back to normal' but in reality, I've just been fighting to get there, thinking that one day I would. I just wanted to be more resilient because I know that my aunt would tell me to live my life to the fullest.

I think about mortality in a way that both motivates and destroys me. I'm constantly trying to find happiness in a rushed, clumsy way while I'm also perpetually terrified of who I'll lose next and how it will kill whatever life I have left in me. I feel helpless and imprisoned while I perceive that everyone else is walking around freely, each of them being some version of the shiny, happy person I used to be. I so desperately just want to join them.

I know though, that this is a great illusion; a mirage that has been dismantled by the many supportive and compassionate people who've shared their own experiences with me when I wrote about how I was struggling. It seems like we only give ourselves permission to feel like we're not alone after someone else tell us how it is. This is one of the reasons why I believe that conversations need to keep happening because a good day or a good week doesn't change things and a lot of the time, we'll go right back to our flawed thinking.

I need to stop thinking about where I'm not and start thinking about where I am. I need to try to find the good in what's going on with me and realise that in a weird way, it might have put me on the right track. Perhaps depression did not rob me of my 'normalcy', perhaps I found myself lost within it because I stubbornly clung to an old M.O. that just didn't cut it anymore. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I don't want to go backwards, I want something different than what I had before everything fell apart. Depression has taught me that I don't want to merely survive, I want to thrive. I will never again be 'normal', no, I will be better. 

It's a long road to stability and I'm not going to rush myself. Slowing down has helped me notice that there are a lot of people walking with me and a feeling has finally found me after so long, a feeling that we'll find our way.

Keep strong xx 

I've drafted this post so many times. I've re-written it and scrapped it. I've read it over, seeing a jumble of words and crazy thinking on display. I've told myself that the very act of publishing this would be a self-indulgent addition to an already noisy blogosphere only to come back here again. Call me self-indulgent.

The internet is a place where we either share too much or conceal what's convenient because it's either too frustrating to keep quiet or too difficult to own up to reality. The reason I don't want to clutter up a newsfeed with humblebrags is the same reason I don't want to document a breakdown. I don't want to have my current emotions/decisions from winter 2014 cached for eternity, where people can speculate or get some sort of sick pleasure from making fun of me. I don't want whatever negative consequences come with putting myself out there but I also have no idea what else to do anymore except write...so I find myself here, doing one of the few things that still makes sense to me. 

It didn't always make sense, in fact when I was younger, I used to keep a diary but I never wrote about bad experiences because I didn't want to acknowledge them. I thought that if I didn't pay attention to them, I could get past them quicker, or even nullify their existence completely. I feel like everyone is doing the same thing publicly nowadays, me included. Maybe we don't want to be buzzkills or look weak. I think everyone is just simply trying to highlight the good and minimize the bad which is completely logical even though it may create the false sense of everyone being ok, or fantastic even. I guess I grew up thinking that any complicated or painful matters should be settled in private because it's respectful and, what good can come from pouring out our guts to anyone who'll listen? I mean, I don't want to sit here and talk about issues on the internet when I'd rather ignore it and pretend that I'm fine but I also know that that's the exact attitude which brought me to this point.

I read once that you should make a list of what's important to you and then you should put the list away. It doesn't matter how profound or frivolous your needs are, just be true to yourself. A week later, you need to re-visit the list and ask yourself if you have in fact, been devoting your time to your priorities. Most people will see that they aren't living their lives in a way that they actually want to. It's no wonder we don't feel fulfilled. 

For example, this is what's important to me...

• Quality time with friends and family
• Working
• Writing
• Experimenting (be it with trying out new looks or experiencing new things)
• Helping people
• Learning
• Exercising (ugh those endorphins really do work)
• Taking care of myself (eating well, spa days)
• Laughing
• Relaxing with hobbies (reading, listening to music, binge-watching tv shows, photography, sewing)

...and here's how I've been spending my time

• Working
• Procrastinating
• Running errands
• Being indecisive
• Doing things last minute
• Binge-watching tv shows (still have yet to make a dent in stuff from 2011 tho lol)
• Not paying attention to others
• Going to events
• Glued to my phone (love my phone but it was getting to crazy time-sucking proportions!)
• Over-sleeping on weekends/public holidays

It's clear that after coming back from holiday, I've gone right back to living on auto-pilot and that's no way to feel balanced. From now on, I'm going to display my list somewhere I'll always see it. At the moment it's on a post-it note but I think I'll make it my default phone background when I get it back from repairs. Maybe a reminder of what I should spend less time with is also in order. So, what do you want to spend more or less time on?

Like most kids, I was bullied. My voice was weird, I was chubby, I needed to give another kid money when they asked etc. What I realised in adulthood is that while I've developed some great confidence, I still have yet to shake off the remnants of my adolescent self-image.

When I blogged I was happy, until I started getting harassed by someone. I'm sure most bloggers have dealt with hate so they can relate. To me it felt like, I had stopped getting bullied after high school and as soon as I graduated from college, it started again. I understand an element of why I got flack. I had gained my confidence back because my peers at fashion school were amazing and accepting so I was a little more impulsive and quicker to make mistakes. I became like the girl I used to be when I answered questions in class before being told by other kids to shut up. I was visible and made no apologies for it. How I dealt with it is not how anyone reading this should deal with it. 

I began to edit myself to try and get the target off my back. A target however, is a twisted compliment. Any Survivor fan will tell you (shoutout to Abby) that threatening players get targets put on their backs. Sure, everyone is pissed at the girl who pours the rice on the fire but keeping her around won't ruin anyone's chances of winning at the end, keeping a good player around, will. Survivor analogies aside, instead of embracing the fact that I'm a polarizing individual, I tried to do everything in my power, short of leaving the internet completely, to remove that target. 

I drafted tweets to alter them later, I wrote posts that I'd never publish, I didn't show off awesome achievements, I became super inactive on Facebook and upped my privacy settings so that no one could get any ammo. I ended up with a stack of things to share and no one to share them with. This translated to my real life where I was a try-hard, hoping not to piss anyone off or make too much of a scene. Anyway, people-pleasing is a great way to actually please no one at all. Sure, someone might think you're nice or think you're stupid, but basically, you become a very bland, non-person. I'm angry with myself that I allowed 'haters' to get to me. Who people hate is another topic altogether. I don't think that anyone is disliked simply because they are the bee's knees and everyone is just jealous but I do think that it's a waste of someone's time to give the people they loathe, attention. Anyway, I gave in to my critics, giving them exactly what they wanted: for me to be extremely cautious, for me to second-guess myself and essentially, for me to become a non-entity. 

What a fail. See, if you're true to yourself, not everyone is going to be thrilled but if you're phoney, you're being a way shadier person. I don't know about you but I'd rather take someone at face value than wonder when a saccharine person is going to snap. I'm going to stop pandering to the knowledge that I might not be able to curry favour with someone. Trying to disappear from haters' radars isn't going to magically appease them. I'll crack jokes when I want to, I'll state my opinion even if it's dumb at the time and I'll be true to myself. Being ourselves is the best way to learn how to be better. If you have a bad work ethic, you'll soon fix it when people don't take your shit and if you impress someone with a skill, you'll soon devote attention to it.

If people choose to write me off then they just won't get to know me. I've been called every name in the book when I've been trying to please people so I feel pretty liberated knowing first hand, that you can't please everyone. At least next time someone calls me a bitch, I'll be honouring my character and hey, maybe I'll deserve it once in a while and get to learn from it. Life is a work in progress and I believe that as long as we're not hurting anyone, we should all do our best to find happiness. We won't find it however, in making ourselves invisible.     

We all teach people how to treat us and being submissive encourages mistreatment. I've outlined a couple of ways I've learned to start honoring my feelings and stop being taken advantage of. This is a continuation of my last personal post.

1. Make time for yourself

Think of alone time as time to recharge and rewire. Spend time giving back to yourself with something you love. Don't beat yourself up for enjoying being unproductive - "me" time is downtime you require so never feel guilty about it. You can only be your best self when you take time to carve out some personal happiness. You have to slow down and reflect on how things have been and how you want them to be. Our needs are always evolving so make sure you take stock of knowing what you want, what you don't want and what you'll accept. It's imperative that you reflect on habits you don't want to continue and understand what you want to change. Whenever you feel frazzled, get some alone time.

2. Say no sooner

Stop being afraid of the word "no", there's nothing wrong with it, I promise. When someone asks you to do something, get the date and time of the deadline/arrangement before you respond to the request. If you're not sure if you want to commit to something, say no first. Saying yes and backing out later makes you feel guilty and makes the other person feel gypped. Say no upfront and if you change your mind, you can always say yes later.

3. No means no excuses

Stop making excuses for yourself or for other people's behavior. Sometimes we make excuses hoping a friend/boyfriend/hook-up will magically start treating us better. Stop. When it comes to using verbal excuses to get out of something, the same applies. No excuses, you're busy. Keep it simple and don't elaborate. Excuses give wiggle room for someone to change your mind and if you're like me, it's been changed way too much so give yourself a break. When people try to alter your plans for you, stick to your guns and terminate the conversation like a boss.  

4. Redefine what it means to be 'busy'

You don't need to be saving lives to be busy. If you're asked to do something and you'd really rather not it's because you're going to be busy...being awesome. I can always be honest with my friends and say "I'm not up to it" and they're happy with my response. It would be great if everyone was like that but I've found that many people like to keep pushing, in which case, you're busy. This isn't an excuse because pretty much anything except breathing, is you being busy. I read a book where this player of a guy who'd disappeared on this girl called her randomly to organize a ride from the airport at some ungodly hour. She said, "Can't, I'm busy then", he responded, "Busy doing what, sleeping?" and she said "Yes" and hung up. Now I know you're not always going to be dealing with assholes but being busy isn't personal; you spend so much of your life doing things you don't want to do and you will do it again so sometimes, you have to be busy enjoying your time on your terms. 

 5. Ration your apologies

Make an effort to keep track of how much you say "sorry". People who are too nice apologize way too much and it's subcionciuosly destructive because you're shifting blame onto yourself at times when you don't need to. When we always apologise, we're sometimes saying "I'm not good enough". Have you ever felt like you had to explain yourself by being apologetic? Stop with phrases like "I know this is so stupid but I really like X". It's not stupid if you like something. I used to say sorry when people bumped into me or when I tripped on an inanimate object because it was such a natural reflex. Last year, there was a situation where I'd spent a few weeks meeting with someone working on a project I'd paid for. I would be kept waiting each time I met with them and they messed up three times, meaning I had to meet with them several more times. On one occasion, they had left the office early when I'd returned to have their work rectified. I was offered no apology for any of this. One morning, after being given a vague option to be there some time between 9:30 and 10 am, I arrived at 9:45 to be questioned as to why I was late. Usually I would naturally apologise and the woman was certainly expecting me to say sorry. She kept trying to make me feel bad even after I'd given her the facts so I just let her rant to my silence and she ended up feeling awkward and getting on with her job. It was the first time I'd withheld an apology and it felt empowering because I felt like I was finally respecting myself. That job also finally got done correctly. Only apologize when you feel you should.

6. Remember that your feelings are valid

Don't do things that don't sit right with you. Blogging has really upped my confidence with this because I've had to constantly tell companies what I'm prepared or not prepared to do. Listen to your gut. When it comes to your personal life, you don't have to accept shitty behaviour, you don't have to keep trying and you don't owe toxic relationships your time. Stop feeling guilty. When people ask where to go or what to do, don't say "I'm cool with whatever", suggest something you want to do once in a while. Spend your time and energy where you want to and when you want to. Cut the self-deprecating talk, some people will actually start to believe you.  Similarly when you respect yourself, others will start respecting you.
 
7. Treat everyone as if they are completely capable without you

This is a great way to start being true to yourself without being confrontational. Quit coddling and reassuring all the time because if people think you're a soft touch, they will prey on your nature by relying on you to let things slide or validate their behaviour. Don't offer to help if you can't or don't want to. If someone hurts you, don't reassure them otherwise. If someone tells an offensive joke, don't laugh. Whenever you feel pressured to answer a question but you'd rather not, keep your responses vague. Don't be afraid of the phrase, "I don't want to talk about that". Studies on social hacking show that people who phish for information need only leave suggestive gaps in conversation before their targets surrender to human nature by filling in those gaps. Credit card details and passwords are gleaned from people and companies this way. We've all met someone who makes us feel like they're just trying to find something out and in tamer instances, we've met people who know all of our bullshit but never let us in on theirs. When you treat everyone as completely capable, you're less likely to want to 'help' them by filling silences, only to end up feeling like you've told them your whole life story. I used to be an open book but now I'm only that way with people who deserve to read my story.

8. Stop sneaky remarks in their tracks

When someone makes a comment you dislike, speak up right away so that they know that shit like that doesn't fly with you. Right off the bat, people need to know where they stand. If you dislike it when someone begins, "No offence but..." interrupt them humourously before they decide to continue. Don't let people get away with backhanded compliments, my natural response used to be to ignore it and move on but that just got me more of the same. Either ask what they mean by it or pretend you didn't quite catch that and keep asking them to repeat it. I've found that people back down or start trying to explain themselves when you do that but if anyone confidently stews in their own venom then they cray cray, get out of there. When people fish for negative info or make a comment suggesting you should feel a certain way ("I'd be heartbroken if that was me!") or that you behave a certain way ("No way, you wouldn't do that, I know you sooo well"), do not entertain it. Stock responses for emotional vampires: "Really? Huh. Anyway..." and "That's an interesting way to look at it". I've also found that incessant laughter confuses the hell out of people and they generally simmer down.

9. Remember the outcome is never usually as bad as imagined

You might think saying that no to something important or confronting someone will be painful. It's never that bad though, Jerry Springer shit doesn't happen often in real life. I find that confrontation works best when it's instant and doesn't refer to anyone's past behaviour. Don't take it there and don't let someone else take it there. This is 2014, you're not dealing with what you or what they did when you were 21. You're dealing with "That just hurt me". Confrontation is annoying because my experiences have pretty much been listening to someone deny any wrong-doing or insinuate that there's something wrong with me. No one enjoys it but it's not something to avoid because if you don't address behaviour, it will continue. That said, it's never too late to speak up when it crops up again. If the behavior still continues, you're dealing with a lost cause. Cut it loose.  

10. Spend the most time with people who have your back

We become most like the people who we spend the most time with so it's important that we divide our time between people who have our best interests at heart. It's great to have someone in your life who is comfortable with confrontation because they can help you come out of your shell. I actually realized how being "too nice" can inconvenience those closest to you because they too, have to deal with the status quo you've established in other relationships and can show you where you're going wrong. Healthy relationships should strengthen both parties. I spoke to an awesome friend and we both found that we had been spending our time on friendships that required the most work instead of spending it on the easy ones. To this day, my favorite people are some of the friends I barely see because they don't make demands on me and I know they'll always be there. I'm going to stop taking those great friendships for granted.

Here's to being a fierce warrior queen!  

Hey, would you like to spend your life being inconvenienced? Any takers? You might be answering yes to this question a lot more than you think. Let me just clear up what I consider being "nice". Being nice is not the same thing as being kind or thoughtful. To me, being nice is a the absence of honouring one's feelings and desires. I think of it as the slippery slope towards being a pushover and being way too passive which can get you abused, taken advantage of, underestimated and disrespected. 

Women are generally brought up to be nice even when they shouldn't be so anything "not nice" is bitch territory. This scale barely leaves any room for someone to function between the two. I'd like to say society has changed but it hasn't. I read an article comparing and contrasting different gender approaches to submitting work. The guys went in guns blazing and the women basically apologized for existing. Being nice isn't unique to your personal life alone, it will trickle into your professional life and can cause people to subconsciously find you weak, oblivious and easy to exploit. You'll get fewer opportunities and will be rewarded less, if at all.

I spent my life being nice. It starts out pretty chill, you agree to do something that sounds lame or you let your friend go ahead of you. No problem, that's totally normal and I was always happy to compromise. Unfortunately, if you're like me, it starts to snowball into something exhausting because you don't keep tabs on these harmless habits. I fooled myself into thinking that everyone else was also game to compromise so I didn't keep track of how often I wasn't doing things on my terms. I somehow allowed my life to morph into a joke of apologizing about everything, giving things away to people because they wanted them, being stuck with tasks I didn't have time for, paying whenever someone skimped on a bill, letting people take credit for my work or staying quiet when someone insulted me because "maybe they had a bad day" - that's only the tip of the ice berg. I slowly began to resent the little things I'd usually have no problem saying "yes" to. Being too nice got me passed over, written off, deemed a dimwit and having a girl I'd just met rip my purse out of my hands to fish for R20 because my "no" wasn't convincing enough. Fun times. What a nice girl I was living the good life!

Now I know some people are just difficult and changing my approach won't stop them but I, like many girls I know, gave too much and put myself in those kinds of situations. We all know giving isn't about keeping score, it's about being selfless, not feeling owed. I really think though, that we need to modify the idea of who to give to. We need to give to the right people because when we let everyone have their way and give nothing to ourselves, we're left with nada or something we don't want and eventually we won't be very helpful to anyone. Overextending yourself means you won't have it in you to give anymore because you realize that in the midst of being so accommodating, your priorities have fallen by the wayside and you've become burnt out. The habit of being agreeable is intensely difficult to break because everyone is used to the way things were and they don't respond very well to the new change in your behaviour. People will continue to make requests which may make you feel frustrated to accept or guilty to deny. This cycle will easily continue: feel guilty, give, feel frustrated, say no next time, feel guilty. Sometimes after a particularly unpleasant experience there's a bonus step in there called 'lash out and overreact'.

I'm happy to say I'm not letting niceness interfere with my life anymore. Now, I'm not advocating becoming selfish or playing the victim. I just want people who feel that they're too nice to be kinder to themselves and get what they want more of the time. My next personal post is a continuation on this topic and includes tips on how to stop being too nice and start embracing your inner Sasha Fierce instead. If you're interested, do check it out next week. Till then, x

I recently listened to Tiny Fey reading Bossypants on audiobook which is really awesome. Anyway, I got to a chapter where she discusses the 'myth of not enough'. She says her career advice to women is, "People are going to try to trick you, to make you feel that you are in competition with one another. Don't be fooled, you're in competition with everyone". Gender-based competition might seem completely logical at first so we've applied it to everything. Who's earning the most money? Who's got the hottest body? Who's going on the best vacations? Who got engaged first? Whose baby is gifted? Just imagine adding men into the mix. The idea of some guy loving his awesome job and genius baby doesn't spur up jealousy within me. I just think, wow that's great Joe, now you can buy us a round of drinks and tell us all about it...maybe leave the baby at home though. Why can't we feel the same way about women? Is it because we think her engagement ring is going to outshine ours? Is her hot body going to make us reconsider a donut? Lol nice try but you'll have to rip these carbs from my cold, dead hands.

Why don't we put men on the same level that we put other women? I mean, the only competition heterosexual males won't partake in is trying to score a great boyfriend so why discount them? You may say that women care about different things but are those things really that important if only half of the population is trying to attain them? Sure there are some industries rife with women, fashion being a prime example, but work is work. Last month I styled a shoot with a straight guy so honestly, it's not like one field is completely barren. There are male millionaires who've made bank from female industries by selling us creams to shrink our pores so we can say, what? Hey bitch, my pores are invisible, eat your heart out cool girl from high school! 

Despite my rant on equal opportunity competing, I actually don't like any of it, or rather what it has become: a passive-aggressive battleground. Regardless of gender, do you want to spend your life trying to prove your worth to people who just want to beat you? I've seen what competition has done to people and I know how it's made me feel so I'm not all that excited about it. I've heard arguments about competition being healthy and motivating but I don't buy it if opponents are prone to bitchfests, jealousy and schadenfreude. Have you ever been too scared to mention an accomplishment for fear that you'll sound like you're bragging? I think it's underpinned by the idea that an accomplishment puts a target on your back and that's because to some people your success erroneously computes as less success for them. Yep, good luck winning and having everyone be genuinely happy and supportive about it. I used to be one of the women who almost had it right, I'd be like a pinball bouncing between being happy for someone and feeling like I needed to catch up. The day that I decided to stop competing, my head wasn't clouded anymore and I got more shit done.

Now I don't agree with the school of thinking that everyone deserves a medal for being a special snowflake but I don't see competition as a healthy motivator for me, not in it's current state. I think motivation should come from within. Even channeling negative talk from others is a healthy motivator but it shouldn't be about proving someone wrong, it needs to be about proving yourself right. If you're focused on external motivators, you might just end up succeeding at something you didn't even care for because everyone else thought it was the bees knees. I used to do what everyone else was doing and when I got to the finish line I thought, shit. I NEVER wanted to do what everyone else was doing, where the hell did I go wrong? 

So I just don't understand it anymore. First of all, we all want different things and second of all, it just reminds me of soccer. Sure, some team wins the Champions League this year and then next year they don't...what the hell is all the fuss about when it's a lifetime of trading places? I feel like, the only people who thrive on competition have this persistent idea that they're usually going to win and when I say thrive, I mean THRIVE like the girl in Super Fun Night who crashes Kim's karaoke party. That kind of attitude strikes me as wanting to take something so someone else can't have it, and that's a toxic and ultimately unfulfilling way to live.

If everyone gets knocked off the throne, we shouldn't have an issue letting people enjoy their moment and we shouldn't be scared to be happy for ourselves. I cannot tell you the amount of awesome things I've never whispered a word about because I thought I'd get some trivializing response that would just make me feel like an idiot. As long as we don't frantically scramble to step over people to win, I suppose competing is just the way of the world. Most times though, I just feel like everyone is so swept up in the game that they forget to see their own prize, just sitting there, waiting patiently for them to come and get it.

Hi guys. This week Twitter was abuzz with terrible stories about the birth control pills Yasmin and Yaz. I can't say that the content of these articles surprised me but I am shocked that these pills are still on the market. I never wanted to scare anyone but I've decided that I made a mistake in ever keeping quiet about this. Those of you that read the blog know I had some health problems in 2012. I wanted to elaborate on what actually happened and share my story to help other girls like me.

I started taking Yasmin birth control in 2004. The first few months into it, I remember being exceptionally moody but my mom and I wrote it off as typical teenage behaviour. My skin cleared up beautifully, I had super mild or no menstrual cramps and I didn't gain any weight. This pill seemed great and I didn't know any better to question it. Honestly, being on Yasmin seemed pretty awesome and uneventful. I do remember my gynaecologist trying to push me to change to Yaz when that pill came out but since I had heard a few girls complain about its side effects at college, I declined. I was totally satisfied with Yasmin.

In 2012, after eating a couple of Pringles, I began to experience extreme pain in my abdomen. This eventually went away after an hour so I wrote it off and stayed away from Pringles even though once you pop you can't stop, amirite? Anyway, about a month later I had similar pains accompanied by 24 hours of vomiting. My doctor thought that it was a case of food poisoning and it had seemed to have passed quickly so I didn't connect the two episodes. Finally one night I woke up with violent pains under my right rib cage and started throwing up. I began crawling on the floor, unable to deal with the pain. I tried to wait it out but eventually went to hospital where I was put on a drip to combat my dehydration. The next day, the hospital did an ultrasound and found that I had a large gallstone in my gallbladder and told me that I would have to remove the organ or face more attacks like I'd just experienced and put my body at risk of suffering more severe complications. The doctor estimated that the stone had been growing in my gallbladder for 8 years and was quite surprised to see my case. He told me that I wasn't the typical candidate for a cholecystectomy as I was not overweight or over 40. 

I did some research, got a few second opinions and began to discover that girls my age or younger with gallbladder issues all had one thing in common: they all took Yasmin. The timeline my doctor gave me was exactly how long I'd been on the pill and it seemed to be quite a coincidence that women in the US were trying to sue Yasmin's makers for gallbladder disease. At the time, those particular lawsuits were being thrown out of court despite the amount of young girls trying to get compensation. Still, I tweeted about an article connecting Yasmin and gallbladder issues, thinking that I must sound like a conspiracy theorist but I quickly got a reply from another user who told me "My 15 yr old sister takes that pill and had to have her gallbladder removed". Just hearing about some of the FDA controversy had me convinced that I should quit so I stopped taking the pill. At just 23 years old with no previous health problems, my gallbladder was barely functioning when I got it taken out. Removing it was a difficult, painful and costly experience. A little later that year, I had to go to the hospital again, this time for kidney stones. I have 5 stones in total that I still walk around with, hoping that I won't get an attack at an inconvenient time. I'm now convinced that Yasmin is to blame for all of these problems, specifically their unique ingredient drospirenone. Yasmin warns those with kidney issues to not take this pill but is it responsible for actually creating these kinds of problems in otherwise healthy girls?
 
These are the facts:
 
Blood clots are 1.5 to 3 times more likely to occur while on Yasmin than they are on other pills
 
Yasmin and Yaz contain drospirenone, a synthetic hormone and diuretic that elevates potassium in the body to dangerous levels
 
The makers, Bayer HealthCare Pharmaceuticals Inc., have already paid over $1 billion settling lawsuits to those injured by Yasmin/Yaz
 
In 2013, Bayer finally agreed to allocate $24 million for its gallbladder injury cases - however with a cap on damages, girls like me would be only paid out $3000 which wouldn't have even covered my surgery (Speaking of caps on damages, check out the documentary Hot Coffee if this interests you, very good).
 
Now as I said, for almost a decade I had no issue with Yasmin; I loved it and recommended it to friends. When I found out that other girls like me had ran into the same problems I did, I decided that it was better to be safe than sorry and I told my friends to think about quitting or switching. Today, I stand with the hundreds of thousands of other women who have been negatively affected by this contraceptive and I'm telling anyone who will listen to stop taking this pill right now. I feel extremely fortunate to have gotten away with a couple of kidney stones - some girls have gone blind, suffered strokes, had embolisms or died. Consider yourself lucky if you have not been adversely affected by Yasmin but please don't wait around to become another one of its victims. There are many other pills that don't contain drospirenone. Unfortunately all contraceptive pills are risky but I'd rather take a lower chance of developing blood clots, wouldn't you? I personally never want take any kind of contraceptive pill ever again but until then, Yasmin and other pills like it are not an option. 

I hope I helped just one girl out there. Always do research, identify who funds/benefits from research that's out there, know the risks, read warnings and take care of yourselves! x

So how do I even begin to talk about this? When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now, I know OCD has become a bit of a buzz word and is frequently used to describe something it's not. I don't think that people really grasp what it entails or might assume that it's one thing when it's another. OCD has been idealized in a way that seems quirky or normal (cue Type-A characters on tv rearranging pillows or something) but in actuality it's a really distressing illness. Not all sufferers have an obsession with cleanliness but this is a widely-used example that's easy to grasp because the compulsions of perpetual hand washing/cleaning tie in. In many cases, compulsions can be vague and indirectly related. One of the worst parts of OCD is that sufferers are aware of their irrational thinking. It's like being in a prison in one's mind and looking at the key but never being able to reach it. This frustrates a lot of people on the outside because they assume that if a sufferer is aware of what's going on then they should be able to control it.

It's very difficult for me to share this because I still don't feel comfortable talking about it and find it a bit triggering. I gather it comes off as very paranoid and superstitious. Also, I'm not a very organized person, that's a misconception about sufferers. I'm actually very disorganized because I'm so busy with compulsions. I've found that there is stigma attached to mental illness or it's not taken very seriously and is dismissed pretty quickly. I don't know what it is about mental health that makes people think "Those kinds of issues don't really affect me or people I know. It doesn't happen to friends or family who seem highly functioning. Perhaps they're over-reacting or self-diagnosing." It's like you have to walk around in a straitjacket or something but I digress...I thought it would be good to finally write about this as I've been toying with the idea for a while.

When I was a kid, I didn't know what the deal was, I just used to jump up or down stairs and count things or walk on certain stones. I'd touch railings or cars and all I knew was that I had to in case something bad happened if I didn't. I would also notice things that other people found hard to see like specks of dirt, something on my food or a glass that wasn't clean enough. When I became a teenager, it had changed a bit and my OCD began interfering heavily with my life so I soon discovered what was going on. I still worried about heinous things happening and my compulsions evolved to touching wood, saying or thinking 4 different phrases, flicking light switches, re-examining something several times or washing my hands repeatedly. Soon I couldn't get to sleep on time because I was busy with my routines and to this day, I still spend the most time completing my nighttime routines. While these surface actions might sound innocent, let me expand on what OCD actually does to a sufferer. 

The obsession is about intrusive thoughts. Maybe you stumble upon a thought of something heartbreaking like a car accident. Instead of doing what most people do and dismissing it, the obsessive will be stuck on this thought like a broken record. Perhaps they'll start to think, "I really don't want that to ever happen. Am I tempting fate by focusing on this? I need to find a way to let this thought go and to get rid of the possibility of that becoming a reality". That's where compulsions come in which provide temporary relief from anxiety. All OCD sufferers have different issues. Some worry that something might have occurred when in reality, it didn't. Checkers might worry that they never locked their door or turned off their oven - this is where normalcy can be seen to intersect with the disorder. A lot of people can relate to thinking that maybe they forgot to do something and this will result in a negative outcome. Imagine feeling like that a lot of the time, irrationally. Checkers will keep checking even when they've checked before and know the answer because they just don't feel 'right' about it.

For me, the obsessions can range from horrifying fears to doubting things. Sometimes there's nothing specific but I'll feel uneasy if I don't do something. As I've said, the compulsion is the ritual or act one engages in to make the thoughts go away but not everyone's compulsion can actively banish their fears because they're usually abstract and completely imagined so we'll invent our own rituals to relieve our worry. This is where 'magical thinking' comes in. We understand that we're being irrational but we find it almost impossible to fight against our urges so just in case, and to be sure, we have to make things 'right'. I do a lot of checks and repetitions and it mostly goes unnoticed. Sometimes I read things again and again, get into bed a few times because it's not 'right', put things down 'perfectly', tap things, think about positive outcomes, walk within tiles, repeat actions a certain number of times (4 or 16, specifically), check the door, check that my phone hasn't been taken, get dressed multiple times or rearrange my bag. If anyone has ever found me to be late or find that I take a long time doing things...yep. There's only a handful of people who have ever noticed my compulsions and if they did, they weren't sure of what I was doing or they thought I was perhaps not paying attention.

Brain scans on those with OCD show different activity than in those without the disorder but this doesn't make sufferers crazy. Most sufferers were found to be highly creative with above-average intelligence. Living with this disorder has been difficult because intrusive thoughts are relentlessly terrifying and compulsions take up a lot of time. I've tried to manage without ever taking meds or trying cognitive behavioral therapy. I'd like to go back to plain ole therapy again when I can afford it and I'm definitely open to exposure therapy.  I find my disorder gets worse when I'm tired, depressed or stressed. It's awful living day-to-day like this because I know that I can have a fuller life without it. OCD hurts sufferers and at times, the people closest to them but with patience, understanding and compassion, it can be helped. It's unfortunately something that I feel will always be a part of me because I'm not sure I'll ever beat it but I hope I shed some light on this or made someone feel less alone. Here's to living the best life we can. x

I find it a bit pretentious and crazy to actually blog about blogging (Yo dawg I heard you like cars so I put a car in your car so you can drive while you drive!) but count me in as another girl standing up for herself and all the bloggers I know in real life. 

I don't need money or free stuff, I don't get starstruck or easily swayed by things (except chocolates in the impulse buy section). Like pretty much everyone in the entire world I value friendship, laughter, happiness and love. Quite frankly I'm sick of hearing that bloggers are becoming "whores". I don't personally know any bloggers who are trying to take advantage of companies, they're genuinely interested in the brand and are usually getting less out of the collaboration than the company is. This whole selling out misconception is bullshit. I shop at events with my own money, I'm not hard up for cash and I don't want to encourage anyone to buy something I don't think they'll like. What is it going to benefit me or any blogger for that matter to peddle bullshit? Credibility will be completely lost. I know it's not always jealousy but I've heard these selling out accusations from competitors and companies (who I now will not work with), oh and let's not forget the girl who started blogging two weeks ago because she ACTUALLY wants free shit. 

My father taught me that putting importance on money is dangerous. He told me money makes people do awful things to each other when I was too young to even care, I was like shut up dad just give me a ride to Boogaloos. My dad told me that chasing money makes it run away from you and that nothing is free because there's always some catch. He told me that there's a difference between hunger and greed - hunger was fine but never be greedy. Well yay, thanks for talking my ear off for 24 years Dad, it worked.

Yes it's fun to go to a party and take pictures in a photobooth or get a goodie bag but everything in life has two sides - the trick is minimizing the bad and maximizing the good, and seriously, people never really talk about the bad - you try to ignore it and get on with your life because you don't want to give negative things your attention. So perhaps an outsider will think everything is awesome from the limited access that they get to the people supposedly "living the life". We have problems and issues, our family members die, our relationships don't work out and companies screw us over. I try to get real when sharing my personal life but obviously I don't enjoy talking or writing about that all the time. Side note: I can't believe I just implied I'm "living the life" to make a point, where is the douchebag jar? 

The truth is there's a lot of hype involved but blogging started as a hobby for most people and remains their side project. If you don't like it, don't read it and quit caring about stupid shit and other people when you can rather focus on yourself. I won't apologize for loving fashion and beauty. I won't lie about the products I like. I'm not getting thousands of rands to talk to you about anything. I want to have conversations with girls and guys who are interested in the same stuff as I am and I love connecting with people over our shared joy in things.
 
I know people might be sick of hearing about brands but every item featured in every magazine is 'paid' for. Bloggers are more transparent than most advertising avenues in the world, isn't that a good thing? What do we get for this, accused of being product prostitutes? There's a scene in Iron Man where Tony Stark wants a "fucking American cheeseburger" after his experiences being held captive and whatnot. Movie goers and critics freak out at the blatant Burger King product placement and partnership. You know what, I loved that movie and I loved that scene because I'd love a fucking Burger King cheeseburger if I was held in captivity too. Hell give me one now, I like them! Yes it can get blatant and we all know both people are benefiting; money is swapping hands but the bottom line is: I like cheeseburgers, you like what you like and it makes sense to Burger King, it makes sense to Paramount Pictures and the way that one was done, makes sense to me. I don't have a problem with talking about brands, they're part of life. I've always loved how unapologetic Times Square is. All of the lights in Times Square were shut off during the Great Depression and years later it became the tourist trap template of the advertising world. I find the history captivating and I find Times Square magical. It is what it is. 

Who turns down collaborating with something that aligns with you? Other bloggers and I have turned down offers from dodgy brands, brands that support things we don't and brands that want us to pimp out products that have nothing to do with us. I've gotten approached by scuba gear, bathroom decor, gas masks, cheap handbags, math and science programs, hideous jewellery, sanitary pads, furniture and chewing gum to name a few and who do I promote for free? A girl I don't know who recently graduated from fashion school, an aspiring designer, a girl like you and me who's just trying to follow her passion. And I actually want a gas mask so SHUT THE FUCK UP I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm not a product whore looking for a free lunch, I'm Sheri-Lee Greenway and I like cheeseburgers, fashion and my dachshund. Boyfriend's pretty hot too. Don't tell him he's better looking than me. 

Have you ever had someone judge you for something you're not?

Don't we all though? We'll keep making mistakes no matter how much we learn so we might as well dress chic because that's something we have complete control over, hehe. Lately I've been going to concerts, visiting my cousin/partner in crime in Joburg and making moodboards. Every month I write up a to-do list of personal and work-oriented goals and put it on my fridge. I love crossing things off and it's a great way to keep track of everything. I've already got some new goals for March and I'm looking forward to them.

I recently had the best Valentine's day. I don't believe in putting pressure on a single date but I really had an amazing day. I went to the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street and watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet with a picnic of popcorn, french loaf and champagne. If you ever want to do something great for Valentine's then I highly recommend it, it was already booked up when I emailed them but luckily for me they had a cancellation. So book early next year if you remember. Better yet, write it on your long to-do list! Have a great weekend :)

A girl at a club started talking to me and asked for my advice on her boyfriend and it got me thinking. If you're teetering on the edge and wondering if you deserve more then this post is for you. 

For as long as I can remember, I always thought that uncertainty was par for the course because in every relationship I'd ever been in, I always had a voice in the back of my head repeating "I'm not sure". See the thing is, this uncertainty really doesn't do favors for either party but before I reached that conclusion, I began to question if this was what 'love' had in store for us all. I began to question if I'd actually ever been in love. I hadn't been single for a very long period of my life so I decided to focus solely on myself with the intention of remaining single for a year...

Well, that didn't work. As life has it, once we stop looking for something, it has a way of finding us. But I have to tell you, before I started dating the guy I'm absolutely crazy about, I found that being alone and cutting out bad energy really kick-starts one's life. My perspective is very different now. Forget about guys, there's never a sad second when you have great friends and family - two areas that most definitely improve when you are single.

So with relationships, sometimes the timing is simply not right. Sometimes there's this nagging feeling that you could find someone better suited to you. Sometimes they're a giant asshole who everyone has been telling you is an asshole but you really don't want to believe it because that means you've wasted your time on some idiot. I've been there, amirite? Whatever the doubt is about, if you aren't sure then find something you are sure about; a hobby, a kick ass project, a series you're obsessed with. I'm serious, focus on something just for you no matter how silly you think it is. You don't have to terminate any relationship but you might start to really enjoy your own company and get a better sense of what you want.

So I had to tell that girl at the club that I had been there. I had wondered if I should break up with my boyfriend which for me, meant I was just delaying the inevitable. Years after my slightly doubtful period, going into my hell-am-i-unsure-but-i-like-his-face phase, I've ended up here. This slightly scary place where heartbreak is real because for the first time in my life, I am sure. I became so sure of things since I started focusing on myself and I think I've been able to spend my time more productively as well as with the right people, because of it. 

So if you're really uncertain about things, don't waste your time anymore. You might not meet the perfect person soon but in the meantime, there's always someone who would love to go out and dance with you. Whatever you're looking for, you can find it. Don't spend all of your time on someone who keeps giving you doubts when you can have a fuller life without them, a life full of laughing with friends, singing terrible karaoke and chatting to strangers until the sun comes up. It's all out there waiting for you, without a doubt.

From Euro-pop dance hits peaking on American charts to movies like Project X to Tumblr images of alcohol-infused stupidity emblazoned with YOLO in obnoxious glitter; society is stamping its wrists and handing everyone lumo paint as we are lead into the most epic party of our lives. 

History was my favorite subject (thanks to a brilliant history teacher) and we were always taught to question everything. I love being young, I love raising hell - I love climbing onto boats in the harbour and then running from security guards when we're discovered. But my skepticism flares up, this mass media onslaught promoting complete surrender of accountability seems like such a distraction. From what? The shitty economy? Governments? Floundering education systems everywhere from USA to home sweet home which can then be blamed on the irreverent nature of the youths themselves? All our fault now, neat and tidy, done and dusted, we are to blame. 

Sometimes, we are the architects of our own misfortune. A new year has begun and instead of just looking back at the great times, I wanted to be frank about the not so great times and how I got past them. Nothing is without its ups and downs and it can be difficult to be honest when life is not so perfect because we're scared that our vulnerability will be exploited or used against us. But someone, somewhere, might benefit from seeing that side of you. 2012 was not a terrible year by any account. I found myself on national television and laughing the day away with fantastic friends. I fell asleep in the hot summer after kissing the most beautiful boy I've ever laid eyes on with American Horror Story in the background. I crossed so many things off my bucket list, I've traveled, I've run, I've danced and been covered in confetti. I've met new people and saw my life jump fantastically from one direction to another. I've seen so many beautiful clothes on so many runways, I had the best Christmas with my family and I discovered a newfound appreciation for my health.

But let me take you back to June 2012...

It seems as if a lot of people are into drugs these days, doesn't it? I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to getting my kicks. I get them from wearing weird clothes, having a little vodka lime or embarrassing my friends by breaking out into the Thong Song. Not that alcohol isn't also dangerous, most things are bad in excess.