He grabs my hip bone while we kiss. His tattooed shoulder is close against my face and the eyes of a skull are staring at me. It's framed with crimson flowers; a softening juxtaposition. For a second, the ink melts together until it's just a mess of red and black. Before this, the shoulder had black pyramids and red flames. Before that, the shoulder had black bird silhouettes against the red stripes of a rising sun. Black and red shoulder tattoos are some sort of prerequisite for dating me. I guess I'm pretty specific.
I never even notice them at first. They're usually covered up by a plaid shirt or winter jacket. I only spotted the first one because he dressed like a 1950's greaser with slicked-back hair and white sleeves pressed up high. Dreamy. A regular Cry-Baby with one jet black strand out of place above his furrowed brow. Blue eyes. He could be some kind of anime protagonist come to life with his big blue eyes. Maybe he looks more like Jake Gyllenhaal with charming dimples and perfect teeth. Maybe he looks just like G-Eazy, towering above everyone else. We talk all night and wander along a moonlit beach, running away from the cold water. We stare at each other awkwardly at a house party. We share an electric kiss on a rooftop overlooking the city.
On our first date, he takes me to La Vie, I dress up in a faux fur jacket and put on a fake septum ring. He takes me to Mr Pickwicks in Long Street, I sport a grey tank top and a snow-white fringe. He takes me to see Suicide Squad, I wear a Daddy's Lil Monster tee and sexy stockings. We figure out that our paths have crossed before because we know each other's friends. Chris introduced us. We already know that we both know Jamy because it was his house party. I'm surprised he works with Robin, oh, Chris and Jamy too? Full circle.

We have conversations about everything. We laugh at inside jokes. We can't get enough of each other. He becomes my muse. I feel like a muse. I feel like Edie rambling around Andy's Factory. I'm inhaling on cigarettes and tripping over soup cans. My eyes are painted black and I laugh as my long earrings routinely cause trouble by getting themselves caught in clothing. A silver crucifix is stuck in his sweater. If you turn it upside down, it matches the tattoo on his chest. Scratch that, it's tossed onto my night-stand.
We analyse books. We discuss movies. We recommend comedians. We dissect lyrics. We dance with abandon. He photographs me. We try weird food. He writes poetry about me. We passionately sing along to old songs. I paint all over his graffiti-covered walls. I draw him. I film him. Camera girl, swing the focus. A clip of him jumping off of a balcony. A clip of him putting make up on me. A clip of us kissing. There's so much music. My heart heals when he's touching me to familiar tracks. We make art. We make promises. We make love.
One day, he takes me to see the flamingos because he knows I love them. He sets up a scavenger hunt for me to find a book he bought me. We build a fort with fairy lights and watch a Japanese horror movie. There's a full moon the night he tells me he's in love with me. We're sitting on the edge of the bed when he pulls me to a stand and says he's never felt like this before. He pushes his forehead up against mine in his apartment, saying he thought someone like me would never exist. We are intoxicated with butterflies, tangled in one another, enraptured by each other...until we're not.
To them, I must melt into the other girls too. Another blonde. Another set of big eyes. Another foreign accent. For a moment though, it feels unique and it feels like anything is possible. For a moment, I see them and they see me. For a moment, everything is exactly as it should be. I close my eyes and hold him tight.

A girl at a club started talking to me and asked for my advice on her boyfriend and it got me thinking. If you're teetering on the edge and wondering if you deserve more then this post is for you. 

For as long as I can remember, I always thought that uncertainty was par for the course because in every relationship I'd ever been in, I always had a voice in the back of my head repeating "I'm not sure". See the thing is, this uncertainty really doesn't do favors for either party but before I reached that conclusion, I began to question if this was what 'love' had in store for us all. I began to question if I'd actually ever been in love. I hadn't been single for a very long period of my life so I decided to focus solely on myself with the intention of remaining single for a year...

Well, that didn't work. As life has it, once we stop looking for something, it has a way of finding us. But I have to tell you, before I started dating the guy I'm absolutely crazy about, I found that being alone and cutting out bad energy really kick-starts one's life. My perspective is very different now. Forget about guys, there's never a sad second when you have great friends and family - two areas that most definitely improve when you are single.

So with relationships, sometimes the timing is simply not right. Sometimes there's this nagging feeling that you could find someone better suited to you. Sometimes they're a giant asshole who everyone has been telling you is an asshole but you really don't want to believe it because that means you've wasted your time on some idiot. I've been there, amirite? Whatever the doubt is about, if you aren't sure then find something you are sure about; a hobby, a kick ass project, a series you're obsessed with. I'm serious, focus on something just for you no matter how silly you think it is. You don't have to terminate any relationship but you might start to really enjoy your own company and get a better sense of what you want.

So I had to tell that girl at the club that I had been there. I had wondered if I should break up with my boyfriend which for me, meant I was just delaying the inevitable. Years after my slightly doubtful period, going into my hell-am-i-unsure-but-i-like-his-face phase, I've ended up here. This slightly scary place where heartbreak is real because for the first time in my life, I am sure. I became so sure of things since I started focusing on myself and I think I've been able to spend my time more productively as well as with the right people, because of it. 

So if you're really uncertain about things, don't waste your time anymore. You might not meet the perfect person soon but in the meantime, there's always someone who would love to go out and dance with you. Whatever you're looking for, you can find it. Don't spend all of your time on someone who keeps giving you doubts when you can have a fuller life without them, a life full of laughing with friends, singing terrible karaoke and chatting to strangers until the sun comes up. It's all out there waiting for you, without a doubt.

Sometimes, we are the architects of our own misfortune. A new year has begun and instead of just looking back at the great times, I wanted to be frank about the not so great times and how I got past them. Nothing is without its ups and downs and it can be difficult to be honest when life is not so perfect because we're scared that our vulnerability will be exploited or used against us. But someone, somewhere, might benefit from seeing that side of you. 2012 was not a terrible year by any account. I found myself on national television and laughing the day away with fantastic friends. I fell asleep in the hot summer after kissing the most beautiful boy I've ever laid eyes on with American Horror Story in the background. I crossed so many things off my bucket list, I've traveled, I've run, I've danced and been covered in confetti. I've met new people and saw my life jump fantastically from one direction to another. I've seen so many beautiful clothes on so many runways, I had the best Christmas with my family and I discovered a newfound appreciation for my health.

But let me take you back to June 2012...